How to Stop Self-Sabotaging: A Step-By-Step Guide

Self-sabotage. It’s a term you’ve likely heard before, but what does it actually mean, and more importantly, why does it matter? If you’ve ever found yourself getting in your own way—whether it's procrastinating on an important task, doubting your abilities just when you need confidence, or even pushing people away when things get too close—then you might be engaging in self-sabotaging behaviour. This blog post aims to help you understand what self-sabotage is, why you might be doing it, and most importantly, how you can stop.

You’re here because you want to make a change, and that’s the first step. Let’s break it down into manageable pieces so that by the end of this, you’ll have a better grasp on how to stop self-sabotaging and start living the life you deserve.

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Self-sabotage is when you undermine your own goals and values, often without realising it. It can take many forms, such as negative self-talk, procrastination, or behaviours that harm your relationships or career. The definition of self-sabotage is essentially acting in a way that creates problems and interferes with your long-term goals.

But why do we do it? The answer is often rooted in fear—fear of failure, fear of success, or even fear of the unknown. Sometimes, it’s because we’ve developed habits or coping mechanisms that were once useful but are now holding us back..

Recognising self-sabotaging behaviours can be tricky because they often feel like they’re just part of who we are. However, if you notice any of the following patterns, you might be engaging in self-sabotage:

If any of these sound familiar, you’re not alone. Many people struggle with self-sabotaging behaviour, but the good news is that it can be addressed.

Understanding what self-sabotaging is and why it happens is the first step towards overcoming it. The reasons can vary from person to person, but here are some common underlying causes:

Fear of failure is one of the most common reasons for self-sabotage. The thought process is often that if you don’t try, you can’t fail, which provides a false sense of security. However, while this mindset might protect you from immediate disappointment, it ultimately prevents you from achieving your full potential and reaching your goals.

Surprisingly, fear of success can be just as powerful as fear of failure. The idea of succeeding might bring new responsibilities, higher expectations, or significant changes that feel daunting or overwhelming. As a result, self-sabotage can act as a defence mechanism to avoid the discomfort of stepping into a new and unfamiliar role or identity.

Low self-esteem can lead to self-sabotage because if you don’t believe you deserve success or happiness, you may unconsciously undermine your efforts to achieve them. This can manifest in behaviours such as settling for less than you need or want, or not pushing yourself to pursue your goals. Ultimately, this self-doubt keeps you stuck in a cycle of underachievement.

Humans are naturally inclined to seek comfort and avoid discomfort, which is why self-sabotage often keeps you within your comfort zone. Even if your current situation isn’t fulfilling, it is predictable and familiar, making it seem safer than venturing into unknown territory. This avoidance of change, no matter how positive, can keep you from making progress in your life.

Self-sabotage can sometimes be traced back to learned behaviours that once served as useful coping mechanisms. For instance, avoiding challenges might have helped you manage stress or avoid failure in the past. However, these behaviours, while once protective, can now prevent you from growing and achieving new levels of success and personal fulfilment.

Mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression, borderline personality disorder (BPD), and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) can significantly contribute to self-sabotaging behaviours. For example, someone with BPD might engage in self-sabotage due to a deep-seated fear of abandonment, leading them to push others away to avoid the pain of potential rejection or loss.

Now that you understand what self-sabotage is and why it happens, let’s explore how you can stop it. These steps are designed to help you break the cycle and start moving towards your goals with confidence.

The first step in stopping self-sabotage is to become aware of what triggers these behaviours. Is it a specific situation, emotion, or person? For example, do you tend to procrastinate when you feel overwhelmed, or do you push people away when you’re feeling vulnerable? By identifying your triggers, you can start to catch yourself before you slip into self-sabotaging habits.

Negative self-talk is a major component of self-sabotage. When you catch yourself thinking, “I can’t do this” or “I’m not good enough,” challenge those thoughts. Ask yourself if they’re really true, and if they’re not, replace them with more positive and realistic statements. For example, instead of “I’ll never get this right,” try “I’m learning, and it’s okay to make mistakes.”

One reason people self-sabotage is because they set goals that are too big or vague, leading to overwhelm and inaction. Break your goals down into smaller, manageable steps, and celebrate your progress along the way. This approach helps build momentum and confidence, making it less likely that you’ll feel the need to sabotage your efforts.

It’s easy to be hard on yourself when you notice self-sabotaging behaviours, but self-compassion is key to overcoming them. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend. Recognise that everyone makes mistakes and that growth is a process, not an overnight transformation.

Having a support system can make a huge difference in overcoming self-sabotage. Surround yourself with people who encourage and believe in you. If you struggle with deeper issues like anxiety, BPD, or OCD, consider seeking professional help. Therapy can provide valuable tools and insights to help you break the cycle of self-sabotage.

Growth often requires stepping outside of your comfort zone, and that can be scary. However, embracing discomfort is essential for overcoming self-sabotage. Remind yourself that discomfort is temporary and that the rewards of pushing through it can be life-changing.

If self-sabotage has become a habit, it’s time to create new ones. Start by identifying one small change you can make today that moves you towards your goals. It could be as simple as setting aside 10 minutes to work on a project or practising positive affirmations each morning. Over time, these small changes can add up to significant progress.

If someone you care about is self-sabotaging, it can be hard to know what to say. The most important thing is to approach them with empathy and understanding. Avoid being critical or judgemental; instead, express your concern and offer your support.

Here are some things you might say:

Remember, everyone’s journey is different, and sometimes the best thing you can do is simply be there for them.

Common self-sabotaging thoughts often involve negative self-perceptions and doubts. These might include thoughts like "I'm not good enough," "I don't deserve success," or "If I try, I'll just fail anyway." These thoughts can lead to behaviours that prevent you from achieving your goals and can keep you stuck in a cycle of underachievement.

Self-sabotage can often be unconscious. Many people are not fully aware that they are engaging in self-sabotaging behaviours because these actions can feel like natural responses to stress or fear. For example, avoiding a difficult task might feel like self-care in the moment, but it could be a form of procrastination that prevents you from moving forward.

People with abandonment issues may self-sabotage relationships as a defence mechanism to protect themselves from potential hurt. The fear of being abandoned can lead them to push others away or create conflict, which ironically increases the likelihood of the very thing they fear most—being left alone. This behaviour is often a result of past traumas and can be difficult to break without professional help.

While self-sabotage isn’t something that is "cured" in the traditional sense, it is a behaviour that can be managed and significantly reduced with the right strategies. By becoming aware of your triggers, challenging negative thoughts, and adopting healthier coping mechanisms, you can break the cycle of self-sabotage and achieve your goals. Professional support, such as therapy, can also be instrumental in this process.

If you’re ready to take control of your life and stop self-sabotaging, Centre of Excellence can help. Our Mindful Mental Health Diploma Course offers in-depth insights and practical tools for taking care of your mental health through mindfulness, helping you to overcome self-sabotaging behaviours. For a limited time, you can enrol for just £29!